Boundaries and Intuition

Boundaries and Intuition

What are boundaries?

Recently, I was listening to an interview with Jane Fonda who said that if she could give her younger self any advice it would be that “‘No.’ is a complete sentence.” I thought this was amazing advice about upholding boundaries for oneself. And wondered why it is so hard to implement. The first step for me is to explore what boundaries are in the first place.

Physical boundaries are easy to see. They are the edges of something in space – like the edges of the chair you are sitting on. They are also demarcation lines for property or land, generally marked with signs or fences. Our body also has the physical boundary of our skin. 

Societal boundaries are created through rules and laws. Many laws tell us what we can and cannot do with our bodies and the bodies of others, like murder or assault. However, the lack of fair punishment for crimes and overwhelming fear of retaliation by law enforcement, politicians, or a biased judicial system leave many of us feeling like society cannot protect the innocent and fails to uphold safe societal boundaries. 

Religious boundaries are a set of rules created by a religious doctrine and adopted by a group and/or family system to further teach one how to behave. Often, there becomes a blurry edge between societal and religious laws. All too frequently, some societal laws around our bodies are created for the religious interest of a few, but negatively affect a significant portion of the population – like access to safe reproductive healthcare. These religious boundaries may be antiquated and while they may have worked well 2,000 years ago, they either no longer fit in well with our current society or have been misinterpreted by people in charge to control others. 

Emotional boundaries are different for every person and don’t abide by a set of rules or laws, though they may be informed by religious or societal beliefs. If your emotional boundaries differ from those of the people around you, your assertion of your boundaries may create conflict among your friends and family. Too often fear of conflict is why people avoid setting and maintaining boundaries.

There are so many other types of boundaries – energetic, financial, temporal – but we’ll just define those 4 for now. I do invite you to take a moment and contemplate these boundaries and any others you think of!

Boundaries and Fear

In our society, many individuals are taught from a young age to defer their opinions, desires, and choices to please or soothe the adults around them. Phrases like “children should be seen and not heard” are a perfect example of this teaching of social deference. Fear of rejection from our caretaker as a child can be devastating and cause us to learn to be quiet when we should speak up. Especially if we’ve been trained to be people pleasers, then we learn to repeatedly reject our needs and accommodate the needs of others to avoid conflict.  

To take it a step further, sometimes a demanding, abusive, or dominating family member, church leader, or friend sets us at a disadvantage to learning to speak up for ourselves. In this case, we are trained that if your viewpoint or needs differ from those in charge, then you are wrong and unfit to make decisions. You cannot trust yourself so you must trust your caretaker, elders, or Fox News because they are perceived as better, smarter, or just plain louder than you. 

In many family systems, saying “no” to your parent, sibling or partner can lead to verbal and emotional abuse and violence. We may even find ourselves in the situation of being coerced or forced to say “yes” in order to protect ourselves or others around us. Days, let alone years, of this type of abuse can lead to Complex PTSD.

NOTE:  If you are currently in a situation like this, please develop your exit strategy. Unfortunately, sometimes the legal system, our finances, and society is stacked against us and you have to bide your time until it is safe and practical to leave. If you are stuck in this type of situation, work on freeing your spirit and trying to find joy in small moments. An abuser can do whatever they want to your body, but you own what is in your mind… 

When others do not respect our “no”, we are trained to believe that our needs are not valid. This directly leads to a lower sense of self-worth and lack of trust in ourselves. And when we do not trust ourselves, we learn to silence the inner voice of our intuition and only trust the voices of those around us. Learning to say “no” and be heard when something feels unsafe or harmful to your well-being can start to unravel years of abuse and indoctrination. 

Fear of retaliation, abandonment, slander, drama, or financial repercussions often cause us to say yes, when everything within us is saying no. That feeling of ambivalence and uncertainty is how it feels when we ignore our intuition. Our intuition says not to do it, but our fear of what will happen or how we will be perceived causes us to give in. Giving in to fear rarely sets us up for happiness. 

Resetting your Boundaries

Healthy boundaries = Trust in yourself over others

Loose boundaries = Trust in others over yourself

Having poor boundaries is a strong indicator that you are not honoring your intuition. If we are mindful, we can let our intuition guide us in determining our own boundaries. The biggest red flag for boundaries being crossed is simply a feeling of resistance and hesitation. However, if we apply curiosity to our hesitation, we can identify what is going on just below the surface. 

For example, if someone asks us to volunteer on Saturday morning and a feeling arises that we don’t want to go, despite there being no scheduling conflict, it is a good idea to explore that feeling. Maybe you are just feeling tired in the moment and need that time to rest. Maybe you are worried if you say “no”, the person won’t like you. Or maybe you sense that the person asking has a hidden agenda and will bail knowing you’ll show up in their place. Whatever your intuition points to, be sure to recognize that you have a choice here. You can kindly and firmly say “no” or you can go ahead and say “yes” and see what happens. 

If you want to reset your boundaries, remember that you don’t owe an explanation to anyone. This is your body, your time, your preferences, and your choice. There’s no need to apologize or explain further. “No”. is a complete sentence.  You are doing nothing wrong by saying “no”. 

A common misconception is that saying “no” makes you mean or unlikable. Remember that you can be gentle and kind while being firm and standing up for yourself. If you still get nervous about saying no to others, consider the quote, “What other people think of you is none of your business”. Don’t worry if someone else reacts poorly to you expressing your needs, you are actually taking care of the most important person in your life – Yourself. 

Practicing Boundaries:

If it seems too hard saying “no” to someone close to you, try saying it to a stranger. Go to the grocery store where they hand out samples and when they ask if you want a sample, deliberately say “no, thank you”. Try it on telemarketers! There’s plenty of safe places to say “no” if you need to take baby steps. Then work up to places you volunteer, then work, then friends, then family – or whatever order is right for you.

Saying “no” and asserting your boundaries is a really great way to care for and honor yourself and your intuition.

You’ve got this! 

For more information visit:

Intuitive Guidance Center | innate wisdom
https://www.intuitiveguidancecenter.com/

For more information on intuition guidance contact us:
Intuitive Guidance Center | innate wisdom
https://www.intuitiveguidancecenter.com/